Expressing emotion isn't a weakness— emotions provide incredibly rich, helpful information. When someone expresses emotion to us, we can use it to enrich the quality of their lives through interaction with them.
Picture a metronome. On one end of the scale, the words say, "I'm in trouble..." On the other end of the scale, the words say, "I'm OK!" Now, imagine the metronome picking up pace, swinging from one end to another, faster and faster. If this particular metronome represented a human being's internal state, it would be called: anxiety. If you know you are OK, you wouldn't have anxiety. If you know you are certainly in trouble, you wouldn't have anxiety— you might instead have loss, sadness, and grief.
Emotions have structure. In the particular metronome example we provided, we explored the structure of anxiety. By understanding what that structure is, we can better empathize with another human being, and ultimately, understand them on a deeper level.
How do we go about that? Let's take the example of anxiety. When we understand the structure of anxiety, we can empathize with the fact that they are in a situation where a bad outcome is possible, yet there is nothing they can do to control it.
Suppose a lead product manager is waiting for a final design to be delivered. The product manager was told they would receive it by 4:30 PM and already promised the engineers a final design to complete their tasks by the end of the week. However, it could be 4:15 PM, and the manager still hasn't heard a thing from the designer despite following up repeatedly throughout the day— she has no idea whether everything is fine or not!
Therefore, we can approach this anxious product manager with the statement, "Hey, I'm not sure how things will play out for you." This normally leads to the other party opening up in conversation. And, with respect and permission, you can help explore:
What potential bad outcome are they unable to control?
What are the consequences of the bad outcome to them and other important people in their life?
What can they control, if any?
What assumptions are they using to assess their situation? And, are those assumptions as absolute as they think?
For example, the other party might provide the following:
"I'm not either. The designer told me I would get their final design by the end of the day to put together the design package for our engineers in Poland to start working on while we sleep. But it's already 4:30 PM, and I haven't got it. I followed up multiple times, but still, I have yet to receive the design. If I don't get it to our guys in Poland in time, we end up paying them without enabling them to do any work tomorrow— this eats into my product budget and delays promises we made to our customers."
Emotional intelligence is predicated on empathy. With empathy, you can gain a deeper understanding of feelings to enrich connection, safety, and communication.
Before human beings developed the vocabulary and voice modulation skills necessary to communicate reliably, we communicated with our emotions and physiology. For example, a child might cry and scream for her parents because she feels threatened and ultimately wants to be soothed & held— the message she wants to receive is, "I've got you." When a child feels a yearning for eye contact from a parent— that child wants to be seen & mirrored. The message the child wants to receive back is, "I see you, and I'm so glad you are here." Dr. Dan Siegel does a great job of covering this— watch any or all of his videos.
As adults, we can generate more complex meanings, which leads to unique experiences.
Any single emotion can communicate many different things— we are all unique in that manner. For example, if someone feels betrayed, we can't generalize that to mean their spouse cheated on them. It could be that a close friend exposed a secret to another colleague.
However, feeling betrayed has the following structure— someone or something has broken a sacred rule (spoken or unspoken) of the relationship. For example:
"You don't sleep with anyone else if you are in this romantic relationship..."
"If someone trusts you with a secret, you must not tell anyone else!"
"If you make a promise, you must keep it!"
In this post, we explore the structure of some emotional states so you can:
Connect with what someone is going through.
Provide psychological safety, so there is space for better communication and understanding.
Unearth the true message behind the sentiment.
Again, there is no prescription. However, by exploring some emotions and their structures, we hope to demonstrate how you can use emotions as a feedback mechanism to explore the underlying message.
Intention
Emotional states will nearly always fall into one of these three categories because, at any one point in time, a human being's experience will be in a situation whereby:
Their situation is a sufficient match or insufficient mismatch to the way they want things to be (desired state of affairs).
There is either the presence of a threat, or there isn't a threat.
Their belonging to an important group (one they value) is either in question or not in question.
In each situation, there is an implicit hope or positive intention behind all their experiences. That could be that their situation demonstrates there is hope to achieve or fulfill their values and goals. Or, there is the hope to be validated and included in the group. Or, there is simply the hope that everyone will be safe and well. Therefore, when you identify any emotion, run yourself through this sequence:
Identify a time you had the feeling yourself.
Notice the nature of events that unfolded when you had that feeling.
Describe the nature of the interaction.
Ask yours, “What was I communicating with that emotion?”
Ask yourself, “What positive outcome was I trying to achieve by expressing that emotion?”
Let’s explore some examples together and apply the frames above. What we share is based on our experience working with human beings from all walks of life. However, each situation is unique. Therefore, we don’t want you to take what we share as absolute truth— the process is more important.
1: Happy
Think about a time you were happy. Perhaps you might word it differently. However, as you recall that moment (or period) you were happy, ask yourself:
What specifically were you happy about?
What about your situation would have to change for you to be no longer happy?
Generally speaking, the structure of happiness is as follows:
"Things in my life are unfolding per my expectations."
If someone is happy, you can be certain that an important expectation they have has been (or is being) fulfilled.
2: Angry
Recall a time you were angry. Perhaps you might word it differently and call it rage. However, as you recall that moment (or period) you were angry, ask yourself:
What specifically were you angered about?
What about your situation would have to change for you to be no longer angry?
Generally speaking, the structure of anger is as follows:
“Something precious to me has been violated or placed at threat!”
Something 'precious' could be material or abstract. For example, if the person values the ocean environment and sees someone throwing their plastic waste into the ocean— that will likely trigger anger. If someone working at a company considers diversity & inclusion to be precious, they will be angry if people of color aren't given a chance to interview to join the company. If parents believe they have a right to choose whether they school their children at home and are forced to send their children to a traditional educational institute, those parents will be angry.
If someone is angry, you can connect with them by first feeling their anger and understanding that something precious to them has been violated. Then, communicate your empathy with words to the effect, "Something very important to you must have been threatened…"
3: Sad
Recall a time you were sad. Perhaps you might word it differently. However, as you recall that moment (or period), you were sad, ask yourself:
What specifically were you saddened about?
What about your situation would have to change for you to be no longer sad?
Generally speaking, the structure of sadness is as follows:
“Someone or something important has been lost.”
That which has been "lost" can be physical or abstract. For example, someone might have broken up with their partner. Their partner is still alive, but the intangible relationship is what has been lost. Someone could be sad because a close friend and visitor from overseas are returning home— their' time together' has come to an end.
Someone could be sad because they have achieved their goal. What did they lose? They lost the hope of achieving their goal. When we have hope and anticipate a possible positive future, we generate excitement and motivation from it. When we achieve it, unless we generate a new goal or outcome, we lose that hope.
If someone is sad, you can connect with them with words to the effect, "Something must be missing…" Or, you can frame it as a question, "Something amiss?"
4: Hopeful
Recall a time you were hopeful. Perhaps you might word it differently. However, as you recall that moment (or period) you were hopeful, ask yourself:
What specifically were you hoping for?
What about your situation would have to change for you to be no longer hopeful?
Generally speaking, the structure of hope is as follows:
“There is a chance that a positive outcome will occur sometime in the future.”
If someone is hopeful, you can connect with them with words to the effect, “Something good could happen soon…” Or, you can be direct, “What good thing would you like the future to hold for you?” Likely, the individual will give you a richer response about their situation.
5: Confused
Recall a time you were confused. Perhaps you might word it differently. However, as you recall that moment (or period) you were confused, ask yourself:
Who or what specifically were you confused about?
What about your situation would have to change for you to no longer be confused?
Generally speaking, the structure of confusion is as follows:
“I am trying to stabilize new associations between different pieces of information.”
Remember, human brains are meaning-making machines. We can't tolerate living in a world without rules. Whether they are rules we assign ourselves about life or rules others have assigned for us. When someone is confused, they are stabilizing new meaning by making associations between different pieces of information. For example, it could be a confusing email from a colleague— what did that person mean? How does their recommendation make any sense?
If someone is confused, it is helpful to give them space to stabilize their new associations. Given some time, you can then connect with them with words to the effect, "Learn anything new?"
6: Confident
Recall a time you were confident. Perhaps you might word it differently. However, as you recall that moment (or period) you were confident, ask yourself:
Who or what specifically were you confident about?
What about your situation would have to change for you to be no longer confident?
Generally speaking, the structure of confidence is as follows:
“There is a higher likelihood that things will go according to my expectations than not.”
For example, an investor might be confident in the company's leadership team because the founders have successfully started and sold several businesses in the past. Therefore, that investor ranks them as having a high likelihood of success in the new venture. A musician might be confident about their performance, having already performed the same repertoire in front of large crowds.
You can connect to someone confident and gain more information about their world with a statement to the effect of, "What good things are you expecting to happen?"
7: Guilty
Recall a time you felt guilty. As you recall that moment (or period) you felt guilty, ask yourself:
Who or what specifically were you guilty about?
What about your situation would have to change for you to be no longer guilty?
Generally speaking, the structure of guilt is as follows:
“My decisions and actions take something away from someone else.”
Another simple way to think of the structure of guilt is: the scale is imbalanced. It could be something as simple as asking someone for a favor— you might feel guilty because that person has to go out of their way and prioritize your request in their life. As such, you will feel compelled to prioritize doing something for them to relieve yourself of the guilt.
Another example is that a family rule is to 'always have dinner together on Sunday night.' Suppose you decide you want to join a friend and their family for dinner— you will almost certainly feel guilty as if you have spoiled that night for your family by being absent.
A simple way to gather more information from someone struggling with guilt is to ask a question to the effect of, "How, if any, are you actually making it worse for someone else?"
8: Grateful
Recall a time you felt grateful. As you recall that moment (or period) you felt grateful, ask yourself:
Who or what specifically were you grateful for?
What about your situation would have to change for you to be no longer grateful?
Generally speaking, the structure of gratitude is as follows:
“I have everything I need. There is nothing more to want.”
A simple way to engage and connect with someone in a state of gratitude is to say something to the effect of, "Nothing needs to change for now…" Or, you can simply respect their state and give them space.
In Summary
To practice the art of connecting through emotions, you can practice this simple procedure:
Recall a time you experienced that emotion (or as close to that emotion as possible).
Feel the emotion.
Ask yourself, “What was I trying to communicate with that emotion?”
Ask yourself, “What good thing was I trying to achieve in communicating that emotion?”