Think of the person (real or imaginary) you most fear approaching you. As they approach you, you might notice your heart beating faster, your breath shortening, and your palms are sweating.
Now, consider the likelihood that this person wants to congratulate you on a job well done, and treat you to lunch to celebrate.
“That’ll never happen!” you might think.
However, this happens all the time:
It happens to employees when their managers say something as simple as, “Can we talk for a minute?” Some interpret it as, “I must have done something wrong,” when really, the manager might simply want to draw on their expertise to get support on a problem.
It happens when new lovers ask each other a question as simple as, “Is everything ok?” One partner might just be mentally occupied with work, while the other partner is concerned their relationship is on the rocks.
It happens when a potential investor says, “I have a few questions…” Some founders perceive this as a potential attack on a weak point in their business model when the investor might be very impressed, intrigued, and wanting to clarify a few minor details for their understanding.
When we are in a fear state about someone, something, or some event— we typically direct our mental and emotional resources to identify, respond, and avoid a threat. In doing so, our brains track our environment for potential threats. As such, we don’t have as much access to the higher functions of our brains. Instead, we are more likely to presuppose the worst.
Human beings don’t have just one brain. We have four, including the reptile brain, mammalian brain, neo-cortex, and our prefrontal cortex. The oldest brain we have is the reptile brain. We share this brain with all creatures on this planet. The reptile brain controls the body’s vital functions such as heart rate, breathing, and body temperature. Its purpose is survival and continued survival. You may have heard of the following representation called the 4 F’s:
Flight.
Fight.
Freeze.
Fornicate.
The main driver for the reptile brain is fear. The reptile brain does not distinguish between what is real or imaginary. If you send a series of sounds and pictures to it, the reptile brain will think they are real. If you are watching JAWS at the theater, your heart rate will suddenly elevate when the shark darts towards you from the screen. That doesn’t seem logical since you are sitting in the theater, and there is no water around you— your reptile brain cannot make this distinction.
Fear is not a bad thing. Fear is necessary. Our reptile brain serves to keep us safe from harm and to respond to rational fears. Our reptile brains care about the quantity of life, not quality. The challenge is when we have an irrational fear. It is challenging to generate psychological safety if we:
Feel at threat to ourselves.
Feel threatened by others.
Feel we are a threat to others.
To build trust with others and to create a space for quality communication, we must generate a space of safety for ourselves and others. To create psychological safety, we must find ways to demonstrate we are with ‘like-kind.’ Without the appropriate feeling of safety, the reptile brain, when under perceived threat, will go into; fight, flight, or freeze. When the reptile brain experiences it is with ‘like-kind’— it will not be interrupted by the mechanisms of ‘fight, flight, and freeze.’
There are many ways to build safety and rapport with yourself and others, either in-person (conversational) or via written text (e.g., email). Here are the simplest ways to build foundational rapport:
In-person:
Mirror their Physical Positioning: adopt similar bodily postures to the degree available and appropriate. This is not to be confused with mimicking. Imagine sitting down and having someone tower above you and speak down at you. Now, imagine sitting down and having someone join you in sitting down, speaking directly to you at eye-level.
Mirror their Speech: match the tone, pitch, and pace of another’s speech.
Use their Keywords: use the same words someone uses in communicating. You can quickly identify people's keywords as they will typically mark those words out with a physical gesture or unique tone of voice.
Match their Breathing: breathing in sync with the other party.
Written communication:
Use their Keywords: use some of the words the other party enjoys using. If you have written samples of their communication, you might notice patterns. For example, you might be used to say ‘creating the plan’ whereas someone else might say ‘laying out the map.’
Use Collective Pronouns: where possible, use words such as ‘we,’ ‘us,’ ‘team,’ and ‘group.’ Human beings feel safer when they feel they belong— using collective pronouns helps achieve this.
Mind Your “But”: compare your experience of receiving these two communications: 1) “I love your design. But I would like you to make a few changes to the frame.” and 2) “I love your design. And, I would like to make a few changes to the frame.”